Life Experiences that Have Changed Me Part 2- When Churches Hurt

I feel like the last post was pretty negative, but I also have more to say about it... Which may also be negative 😆🤷‍♀️ maybe something positive will be said, I just kind of write whatever flows out so we shall see. If we're being honest though I think it tends to be the negative experiences that change and mold you more than the positive ones. I also don't think it's a bad thing that I have more grit and I'm not a pushover as much. It would be nice if I still had some of the hope and positive vibes I once had, but I think it's just one of those things that happens with life, you get more wise, but you also get grays.

Anyways, i realized I'm being very raw and transparent in this blog so far. I hope it doesn't come back to bite me in the butt. One experience that changed me honestly for the worse (for the most part) was leaving a church. I went to this church for years and was pretty involved. I thought I had friends there. Some things happened that made me feel like it was like highschool and maybe I was more into these people than they were into me. There were other red flags at this church which made me think we should look for another church home. When we finally made the change I realized these "friendships" weren't friendships at all. I thought the fact that I saw these people once or twice a week, we hugged, we shared prayer requests, did church functions together, etc; I thought we were friends. This sounds crazy and I don't know if I am really clear with what I'm trying to say, but guys I felt tricked, deceived. I felt like people insinuated that I was a friend but I never was. I was actually part of the piece that keeps the church running. At church you have to be friendly with people and attendance and tithes matter. Man, that experience made me bitter when I think about it. I would've rather them not be nice to me under these fake pretenses and just let me know what I really was, a picture, number, an attendee, and tithe. I felt I was just a piece of this grand scheme that kept people's salaries going and the lights running. When we chose to leave, no one ever called, stopped by, etc It may sound petty but it was like a lightbulb switched on to this facade and the truth for the past 5 years. These people were never my friends. They were aqaintances and we had this place in common that we would go to each week and see each other. Before I left I also had a very traumatic experience where I gave birth and almost lost my life and my daughter's life. I came back and not one visitor came to see me. Man, I want to say more than I should on here but I don't want to hurt others in case some people read it but, with some things we did for the church,  it was surprising. It was hurtful. I was a big, postpartum, lonely mess. My life was rocked again. I went to thinking I had all these friends to realizing I had very, very few and all those church peeps, never were my real friends. I felt duped, used even.

So how did it change me? It was so much harder after that to open myself back up in a church. It affected my self esteem for sure. Why weren't these people my actual friends, I mean I invested years of my life with them? What the crap was wrong with me? Why did some women get 4 baby "sprinkles" and I didn't get a visitor to hold my baby girl? I changed how I defined a friend, I won't be duped again. A friend is someone you hang out with outside of whatever brings you together (church, school, work, etc) imo. A friend checks in on you and has a genuine interest in you. Also, I realized the few friends I have, I will choose to work for and keep, I will choose to be invested in. I will consciously call, text, visit, meet up and continue it. It's been years after that experience and I haven't got plugged in at a church like I was there.

Anyone else ever been hurt by a church before? Did it change you too? I know some experiences are way worse than what I went through (abuse, etc). One thing I've learned though, sometimes people are hurt and there's so many aspects that can go into that pain; vulnerability, sensitivity, past experiences, expectations, etc. It might not make sense to one person but that doesn't invalidate the others' pain.

How can God redeem that pain? To be honest, I'm not sure. Hopefully, one day I can relate to someone who has gone through loneliness and insecurity too. Maybe I can be a voice in some capacity so that people aren't treated as numbers again, but rather help to keep the focus on genuine relationships and people's hearts.

Ok I feel like I got some really heavy things off my chest the past couple of days in this blog. Sorry for the negativity, I'll try to be more positive in my next entry. 😉😁