A little this, a little that, a little inspiration out of somberness

I haven't blogged in a while. I struggle with wanting to pour out my soul and knowing there are those who won't understand. Sometimes I feel like my writing only tells a piece of the story too. Others can read what I'm putting out there, but not other thoughts I'm not sharing or circumstances that lead to my writing, feelings, etc so I struggle with the idea that someone can read something and make an assumption or judgement that is only based on a piece of the puzzle. If I could guarantee that everyone would understand where I'm coming from, what I'm trying to get across, and my true intentions and feelings I think I'd feel free to write all the time, but obviously I can't do that. So, I will share when I feel inspired too, but as of right now won't be as much as before. I probably won't be sharing this on Facebook either. I just hope someone reads it and it connects with them, and if they do, then that person was meant to read it.

I wrote a little bit today. It's not one piece, but several so I'll number them.

I also want to remind everyone to take Facebook with a grain of salt. I noticed I post more when I'm actually struggling the most. I think for one thing, it takes my mind off of what I'm dealing with if I post positive memories, photos, etc and for two; I post when I'm physically sick and in bed. It's ironic because I can hardly move and I'm feeling awful, but as I'm stuck in bed I think what else can I do and I decide to post. Others might think I'm in the greatest spot in life, posting all these happy things but I'm actually killing time enslaved to a bed. Anyways, just thought it was interesting when I realized my pattern and how ironic it was.

Anyways, here's what I wrote:

1. Others' misconceptions, confusion, or  condemnation towards you, doesn't mean you're wrong, just misunderstood.

2. You won't be every person's cup of tea,
That's ok.
They'll be those that will wait in excited anticipation for the moment they spend with you.
And bask in sweet serenity, as they glide their fingers together,
Their palms immediately feel your warmth as they cup you with both hands,
They hover their face above yours,
Close their eyes,
As your steam gently touches and warms their face.
They've waited for you,
You're just what they longed for.
You're just what they needed.

3. Sometimes you have to walk your path alone
People will look,
Question,
Judge,
Condemn,
And stand in disbelief,
Let them.
Let them stare.
Let them shake their heads.
Let them talk.
Keep on walking.

4. When you realize you're in control of you and no one else,
a weight is lifted
That was never yours to carry.
It's easy to pick up that weight again
As you've been accustomed to for so long, but you must learn to walk freely.
Although, awkward at first,
Your body will soon adjust
To the new lighter walk.
Your shoulders and spine finally relaxed,
Your body thanks you.
You're free to go anywhere now,
Your mind thanks you.

When You Need to Be Your Own Hero

 Don't be a victim of victim blaming.

When people fail you, it is reflection on them and their inability to be the person they could be, not you.

The pain they cause you does not equate to your short comings, but theirs; their failure to live up to their potential.

It's so easy to take the pain personally, but more likely than not, the failure is exposing their insecurities and infallibility.

When you are facing real pain, try to look at it like an outsider looking in. Take your side immediately, you need to be your own  advocate for a moment, instead of your own enemy. It's so easy to fall for the trap of self deprecation and victim blaming. When you first experience that bitter betrayal though, remember it's unlikely you're the victim and the cause of your pain. No, there's a perpetrator, and it's not you. You are not the reason for others shortcomings.

Teenage Angst

People suck.

They really do. Throughout the years, I'm reminded time and time again how much people can just be the worst. I'm becoming less surprised when I hear or see the worst. I may seem jaded, but I think I'm just informed. It's sad and I don't understand sometimes.

The good news though, is that we have a God who will never fail us. He isn't in the dissapointing business. He loves us perfectly and unconditionally. I promise you, at some point in your lifetime people will hurt you, maybe even bring you to your knees in shocking disbelief.

While you're there though, cry out to God. He wants you to talk to Him, wrestle Him, scream to Him, rely on Him, trust in Him. I have a tendency to rebel quietly in my heart when I'm hurt- towards God, towards everyone. I shut off as I process it. I may fume for a while and then it passes, while some bitterness hangs back.

NO! Don't be like me! Wrestle with God... Don't be silent. He wants to walk with you. When you hold back and fume, that does nobody any good. Cry out to our good, good Father and tell Him what you're going through (He already knows it).  What's better?- If your teenage daughter locks herself in her room, steaming mad or if your teenage daughter vents to you while you guys talk and work it out? She tells you how things aren't fair, she's sad, she's mad... But she's talking to you. She's listening to you, she's still having a relationship with you.

God wants your teenage angst! It's better than your silence and growing bitterness.

He is perfect. It's who He is. He is the one who will never hurt you. When people suck, allow it to be a reminder of our human sinfulness and to that, God's perfection and faithfulness.

Don't put your faith in man alone. Build your faith, trust, everything on God alone. That way, when man fails you (and he will) you'll at least have a pillar of goodness, a rock that can't be broken, an absolute in a world of uncertainty; the One who knows everything and is never surprised, is always good, and loves you with a love we can't even comprehend- that pillar will be our strength.

Don't we need one absolute in this life? I know I do.

Our Hearts Are Filthy Liars

I want to be honest with something I'm struggling with lately and that I'm currently motivated to fight against. The Bible talks a lot about the heart being deceitful. I've already posted a couple entries and some poems that are pretty dark that show my tendency to follow my heart. An example of this is if I were to get in a disagreement with someone and they hurt me, my heart tells me to completely shut them off. I'm not sure what it is that makes me like this, a defense mechanism that I have built because I've been so hurt and sensitive in the past? Without sounding dramatic at all, I can get into a disagreement with someone and I go to bed praying "It's you and me now God." 😂 Fully preparing myself to live a life independent of others. Lol. This is ridiculous to the fullest extent of the term ridiculous.

I'm not trying to brag because I promise you this is nothing I have done or am worthy of, but I have a pretty solid marriage because God blessed me with an amazing partner and we're pretty compatible. I acknowledge the rarity of my blessing and I'm insanely thankful for it. That said, if we ever disagree, I'm in defense mode.

My heart lies to me and I tend to believe it.

If I were to think rationally in the moment, I know and understand nobody's perfect and people bother each other. I feel like throughout the years my heart has taken a lead over my mind and I follow it. It doesn't just happen in my relationships either. I feel like in all honesty, I'm a little dark like Elvira or Daria from MTV? lol Or recently there's this show I'm on the fence about "Dead to Me" because it is such an amazing show, but it's like f bomb city, which I know is not good. Anyways, the main character's husband dies and is told to meditate. Her "meditating" is her listening to death metal at full blast in her car as she screams and I feel like I relate to that on a spiritual level. 😂

 I've  become a little more negative or something in the past few years, but it's not okay to stay in this constant mood of fine with slight dry undertones, it's not. Positivity, life, encouraging words, truth, goodness, thankfullness- the Bible tells us to focus on these things. We can't expect to grow and change if we are doing the same behavior everyday. The Bible talks about holding every thought captive for the glory of God. The New Living Translation words it like this: "We destroy every proud obstacle that keeps people from knowing God. We capture their rebellious thoughts and teach them to obey Christ" - 2 Corinthians 10:5 How much has my inclination to follow my heart and let negativity rule in my life actually affected people from knowing or growing in God? I know without a doubt, it's kept me from growing personally."

 There are several other verses that mention the heart being deceitful and the effects of cognitive thinking in the Bible.

Philippians 4:8 - Finally, my brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.

Proverbs 4:23 - 23 Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it.

Ephesians 4:22-24 You were taught, with regard to your former way of life, to put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires; 23 to be made new in the attitude of your minds; 24 and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness.

Proverbs 3:5 - 5 Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding;

Romans 12;2  Do not conform to the pattern of this world,but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.

Jeremiah 17:9 The heart is more deceitful than all else And is desperately sick; Who can understand it?

I think what I'm trying to say is sometimes we have to go against what our deceiving hearts are telling us. We have to quiet down what our heart is telling us and focus on the truth, reason, logic, the promises of God, the actual character of people.

 I'm not sure if anyone else struggles with running with their heart, but these are a few things I am learning.

 1. Unless someone has given you a reason to distrust them, and history has shown that they are loyal, they probably won't hurt you or leave you. Your life isn't usually defined by an argument. When you're tempted to shut people out because of a disagreement, imagine yourself acting like a teenager girl yelling "my life is over!"... It's not, you're not alone, you don't need to pull your big girl panties up and get ready for a life of solitude, it's fine.

2. Fake it till you make it. Positive affirmations, words, praying and giving thanks even when you don't feel it. In all honesty, there are very few times I feel moved where I want to just naturally pour out my thanks, but I ought to be crying out my thanks to God every day! I feel like we sometimes can have it twisted; we think we should feel thankful so then we give thanks, but I think a lot of the time if we give thanks, then we feel thankful. Say positive things, give thanks to God, squash the negativity when it comes creeping in and don't give the devil a foothold.

There is power in our thinking and our hearts can be jerks. I personally am going to try and be more of an Erin even though my heart wants me to be a Stanley so bad. (Shout out to everyone who gets my reference- I hear you and feel you) 😂😉👨‍💼

50 Things You May Not Know About Me

1. I'm the most introverted person I've ever met, but you wouldn't know it if you met me probably.
2. Watermelon, popcorn, and buttercream frosting give me migraines.
3. My favorite food is the Titanic Roll from Green Tea House.
4. I'm a little bit of a foodie, I love all different types.
5. I'm a little prideful of my music knowledge and taste. I credit that to the fact that I used to love listen to music in my room and work on creative stuff and I hung out with two music loving guys all in high school.
6. I almost majored in Interior Design, but was told by someone "only rich people are successful."
7. I hate horror movies and couldn't finish Stranger Things because I was too spooked, but I can watch any true crime doc in serial killers, evil crimes, etc
8. I used to want to be Olivia Benson in college and even dressed like her.
9. I don't cry at movies when others do.
10.  I've written several children's books and have done nothing with them. I'm not sure if I'm lazy or scared.
11. I used to want to be a truck driver when I was younger. I think I liked the idea of solitude and freedom... And big trucks.
12. I cannot think of one job that I'd be perfect for. My insecurities and self awareness are through the roof.
13. There has never and will never be a show as thoughtful and good as The Office.
14. I'm too sensitive for certain dramas. I found myself praying for the characters at night. 😂
15. I would probably try anything (almost) once.
16. I'm super anxious when it comes to heights and my kids.... Like this isn't a normal reaction, anxious.
17. I think I'm pretty funny, but will only crack a joke to very few people.
18. I didn't walk in my highschool graduation because I didn't pass math.. I think? I ended up finishing it in time, but they still didn't let me walk.
19. I once got out of school suspension for cheating on a test.... A religion test.
20. I've had prophetic dreams since I was little.
21. I also dreamed that Jesus came back to earth once... As a little girl.. that girl was me 🤣🤣🤣 I remember telling my sister and my mom and they thought that was the most hilarious, narcissistic thing. 😂
22. I break every phone I have. I literally have flushed a phone down the toilet.. not just dropped it in, but actually then proceeded to flush it. I got a military grade phone because I can't be trusted.... And I ran it over with my car.
23. I've only been in two relationships (besides the ones where you "go out" for a few weeks in middle school and then sizzle apart, without ever breaking up- I'm still in a couple of those to this day) 😆
24. I'm kind of embarrassingly, really into celebrities and pop culture. I am always in the know.
25. I am self conscious of my grammar and still don't fully understand when to add commas and semicolon, but try anyway 🤷‍♀️
26. I have Lupus, Hashimotos, PCOS, and chronic reactivated mono. So, when I'm having a mono flare I can spread mono. Most people get it once and the virus stays dormant in them.. not me! I get mono several times a year.
27. I dream of owning a boat, 4 wheeler,
RV... Anything that brings you outside.
28. I love the stillness and beauty of snow.
29. My favorite snacks (treats) are muddy buddies and chocolate pretzels.
30. I used to have a list of things I wanted to do when I was a mom. One girl was good at math and I asked her how she was so good. She said her mom made her do workbooks in the summer. I thought "wow, what a good mom!" Another girl had a braid in her hair that I admired. I taught myself to french braid in 4th grade.
31. I used to dream of touching a tree that has never been touched since it's creation. I guess I thought it might've been there since the beginning of time?
32. Im interested in the Hollocaust and how that came to be. How could a whole society become persuaded and perversed?
33. My face has felt like it was hot and burning almost every evening for years. I'm currently in a phase of it not happening, but I don't know the cause. I suspect it's either an overproduction of histamine or anxiety.
34. I'm allergic to my sweat. It doesn't happen all the time, but a lot. It will feel like bee stings and then I develop excema.
35. I'm allergic to an ingredient that's in most skincare and beauty products. I can't even use Dove or Cetaphil. I can use the $1 soap Jergins though. I actually wash with charcoal goat milk soap. My skin has never been better.
36. I hate when someone is chatting to a couple people and everyone loses interest. I always make sure to keep eye contact and encourage them to go on.
37. I was never a dog person till I met my soul dog 🐕.
38. I do not cuss and can remember only one time that I did.  My mom says I did in highschool, but I don't remember that and I remember that the one time I did it being a big deal so 🤷.  I'm very black and white personally on cussing, although I don't judge others who do.
38. I can't stand when people talk loudly near me. I want to ask them if they realize how loud they're being 😆
39. My husband and a few other close people call me Kate and I love that.
40. I take an absurd amount of selfies and I hate them all.
41. If my body wasn't all jacked up, I really think I would be playing basketball and I'd love to learn a back hand spring
42. I get stuck, my knee pops out and I get stuck where I need someone to pull my ankle out so it pops back in. It happens when I'm making the bed, in the bath, sitting on the floor. It's only happened twice in public and my kids or my husband were there. I've already had one surgery for it.
43. I'm very competitive and hate when people aren't. 😂
44. I hate scattegories and games like Catan.
45. I love the game Loaded Questions!
46. I hate talking on the phone and feel the need to fill in every gap of silence.
47. I eat really fast. My mom used to tell me to "breathe". I still devour my food and have to wait forever for my family to be done 😀
48. I used to dream of living in a box cart like the box cart kids. I'm still intrigued by small spaces and love walking through the Ikea rooms.
49. I can count on my hand the people I've actually, really connected with in my lifetime.
50. Writing is the only thing I think I have some talent in and even then I'm not really sure TBH. (I'm not fishing for compliments 🐟).

Is Our Mind Doing Things We're Not Aware of??

I saw this movie last night and I really can't tell you the title or the plot because based on what I'm about to say it would totally be a spoiler. The basic jist of it though is trauma and the coping mechanisms our minds do to escape the unbearable trauma. I always thought this was interesting.  In some extreme cases of abuse people develop DID or Multiple Personality Disorder. In other cases of extreme pain, trauma, guilt, if a person simply cannot bear to live with the pain of their reality they create an alternate reality. This got me thinking, if our minds do that in extreme cases of trauma, is there a slope? When we experience slight trauma or pain, do our minds somehow develop coping mechanisms that we don't even realize? I'm not talking about just checking out. I wonder if our minds develop a defense mechanism for us to cope with any level of pain that we aren't even aware of??

 I'd be interested in seeing if the Bible has anything to say on this matter too because I think it's the ultimate source of truth. There have been instances where the Bible blatantly stated something and then years and years later, recent studies or science come out with "mind blowing" revelations stating what the Bible has said all along. We should base our truth on the Bible imo, and then have studies prove what we already know, not vice versa. It would save a lot of time and money, just to learn the inevitable, that the Bible told us these secrets  about life all along.

 Anyways, anyone else intrigued by this thought? Could my mind be putting me in some kind of subconscious, alternate state  in some ways due to every day stress and pain? Doesn't it make sense that if your mind is capable of doing something so extreme when dealing with large trauma, that there would be a slope of some sorts?? Anyways, mind blown, thought I'd share. What do you think?

Taking Back the Asylum

Every summer I make a plan to try and steal my house back from the kids. It feels a lot like the insane are running asylum when they first get out of school. I felt like I didn't have time before school got out so I was playing a lot of catch up. The things I need to address are their hygiene, the time they get up, chores, and electronics. I might sound like big ole' micromanager, but yall they were waking up at 3:00 in the afternoon! It was like Lord of the Flies around here. So I made these cards, ordered some plastic to seal them, ordered lanyards and timers and tried to motivate their little butts to be productive members of society. I made cards for older and younger kids, so it may be helpful that I have chore ideas for the little ones to help that are age appropriate. 

It's been about a week or so and I'm here to tell you that against all odds, my system has... failed epically. 😄

I have gained no more control than before, only now I'm more annoyed that they have heard me and aren't doing what I told them to do. I feel like there is still hope though. I think the key is planning something fun the night before. So, for example I'll say if you get your cards done completely by 11:00 we'll go to Urban Air. I'm setting my alarm and I'll be out the door at 11:00 either to Urban Air or Hobby Lobby, your call. 😉

Anyways, at least they have lists of what is expected of them when they choose to listen. I feel like that's half the battle. I also made them each hygiene totes that have everything together including their own brush, toothbrush, toothpaste, deodorant, dry shampoo, headbands, nail clippers, hair ties, face soap, and face cloths. My thought process there was "what can I do to not go crazy?". We have two floors and now the girls have phones that they like to plug their headphones into. Oh my gosh, it's my biggest pet peeve ever to yell from the downstairs to the upstairs and they are just going about their business ignoring me as I yell for them to get ready. You may be thinking "Why don't you just go get them from upstairs?" and to that I say "mind yo' business" 😄 I'm lazy, that's why. Seriously though, I despise this with every fiber in my being. I'm trying to convince Ry to move to a one floor. TBH, I also have some medical conditions that make going up the stairs burdensome at times. Until my dream comes true though, and for all intents and purposes of not murdering my children, I made them their totes so they can get ready downstairs too and they don't just go upstairs and "forget". So far, my youngest is the only one into the tote idea. 😂 Also, one other organizing idea I had was I bought them each their own fanny pack for chores and adventures. This way if they are doing chores and are wearing shorts with no pockets they can just put their phone in there. Also, for bike rides or trips we can throw a granola bar and water bottle in there.

I feel like there's still some hope that my plan will work and this may be totally wishful thinking, but I feel like once I get my house cleaned, it's going down! I'm going to be super mom with a clean house, non-smelly kids, etc. Oh, I also bought a new cook book which I heard was life changing because you cook once a week and it has the grocery lists for you! I'll let you know how that turns out because I need a miracle. Anyways, hope these cards work better for you than they did for me. I tried to post the cards to the link below so you can print bigger, better quality cards. Please let me know if you have any issues. 😊

Punch Card for Older Kids

Punch Card for Younger Kids

Daily Chores for Older Kids

Daily Chores for Younger Kids

Evening Chores for Older Kids

Evening Chores for Younger Kids