Life Experiences that Have Changed Me Part 2- When Churches Hurt

I feel like the last post was pretty negative, but I also have more to say about it... Which may also be negative 😆🤷‍♀️ maybe something positive will be said, I just kind of write whatever flows out so we shall see. If we're being honest though I think it tends to be the negative experiences that change and mold you more than the positive ones. I also don't think it's a bad thing that I have more grit and I'm not a pushover as much. It would be nice if I still had some of the hope and positive vibes I once had, but I think it's just one of those things that happens with life, you get more wise, but you also get grays.

Anyways, i realized I'm being very raw and transparent in this blog so far. I hope it doesn't come back to bite me in the butt. One experience that changed me honestly for the worse (for the most part) was leaving a church. I went to this church for years and was pretty involved. I thought I had friends there. Some things happened that made me feel like it was like highschool and maybe I was more into these people than they were into me. There were other red flags at this church which made me think we should look for another church home. When we finally made the change I realized these "friendships" weren't friendships at all. I thought the fact that I saw these people once or twice a week, we hugged, we shared prayer requests, did church functions together, etc; I thought we were friends. This sounds crazy and I don't know if I am really clear with what I'm trying to say, but guys I felt tricked, deceived. I felt like people insinuated that I was a friend but I never was. I was actually part of the piece that keeps the church running. At church you have to be friendly with people and attendance and tithes matter. Man, that experience made me bitter when I think about it. I would've rather them not be nice to me under these fake pretenses and just let me know what I really was, a picture, number, an attendee, and tithe. I felt I was just a piece of this grand scheme that kept people's salaries going and the lights running. When we chose to leave, no one ever called, stopped by, etc It may sound petty but it was like a lightbulb switched on to this facade and the truth for the past 5 years. These people were never my friends. They were aqaintances and we had this place in common that we would go to each week and see each other. Before I left I also had a very traumatic experience where I gave birth and almost lost my life and my daughter's life. I came back and not one visitor came to see me. Man, I want to say more than I should on here but I don't want to hurt others in case some people read it but, with some things we did for the church,  it was surprising. It was hurtful. I was a big, postpartum, lonely mess. My life was rocked again. I went to thinking I had all these friends to realizing I had very, very few and all those church peeps, never were my real friends. I felt duped, used even.

So how did it change me? It was so much harder after that to open myself back up in a church. It affected my self esteem for sure. Why weren't these people my actual friends, I mean I invested years of my life with them? What the crap was wrong with me? Why did some women get 4 baby "sprinkles" and I didn't get a visitor to hold my baby girl? I changed how I defined a friend, I won't be duped again. A friend is someone you hang out with outside of whatever brings you together (church, school, work, etc) imo. A friend checks in on you and has a genuine interest in you. Also, I realized the few friends I have, I will choose to work for and keep, I will choose to be invested in. I will consciously call, text, visit, meet up and continue it. It's been years after that experience and I haven't got plugged in at a church like I was there.

Anyone else ever been hurt by a church before? Did it change you too? I know some experiences are way worse than what I went through (abuse, etc). One thing I've learned though, sometimes people are hurt and there's so many aspects that can go into that pain; vulnerability, sensitivity, past experiences, expectations, etc. It might not make sense to one person but that doesn't invalidate the others' pain.

How can God redeem that pain? To be honest, I'm not sure. Hopefully, one day I can relate to someone who has gone through loneliness and insecurity too. Maybe I can be a voice in some capacity so that people aren't treated as numbers again, but rather help to keep the focus on genuine relationships and people's hearts.

Ok I feel like I got some really heavy things off my chest the past couple of days in this blog. Sorry for the negativity, I'll try to be more positive in my next entry. 😉😁

Grief, Ex's, and Other Life Events that Changed Me Part 1

Under Construction because I share too much 😆

So Good.- My Kind, Thoughtful, ISFJ Husband , an Exception to Mankind 🤣

This post may be a little cheesy. This one is a couple writings for my husband. I think I feel a bit hypocritical though because I definitely have written some not so flattering poems about him in my frustrations. I want to be real on this site, but at the same time I don't want to drag him and I want to respect him. It stinks though because I think two of them are the best ones I've done ever 😂 So, I just don't want anyone to think I'm only showing the best because I actually write the most when I'm frustrated. I think I wrote a few nice ones because I felt it was unfair that I was ragging on him, even just to myself ha. But, that said, he really is like no other. I'm super lucky to have him in my life and I feel like he's an exception to mankind lol. I always think it's funny when I give him some enormous, unattainable compliment, but I really do think that. I think there are very, very few people that have his integrity and are just good like him. I'm not! ha I actually get frustrated that he's always so optimistic. He plays devils advocate in anything negative I say... ever. I got used to it over time, but still comment to the fact every time he does it. My theory with why I'm so blessed with him is because God didn't give me easy kids. 😄 He knew I needed someone with like super hero integrity and patience to help me with them.

You Are Good.

You are good.
The kind of good
where you hear about people like you,
But will probably never meet them.
You aren't the most romantic,
You don't fill the need for adventure
My soul craves.
You won't be impulsive
And get a tattoo with me.
But you are good.
You are always faithful,
Always patient,
Always kind,
Always full of integrity,
Always selfless,
And you are good,
So good.
The best I've ever met,
There's few in the world
as good as you.
And I am so incredibly lucky,
to be loved by you. 

..……………………………………………………………………………………………...

Object of Your Affection

I've had this beautiful dream

As far as I could remember,

Napping on a warm Spring day,

Lights turned off

You and I in bed,

Our skin touching

As we're curled up in

A soft, white linen duvet.

The curtains a few feet away

gently sway,

a warm breeze blows in,

The sun's rays perfectly hit

The center of the tussled bed,

Filling the room with natural light.

Distant sounds travel in,

People walking their dogs,

Children playing,

Birds chirping,

But in here it's just you, me,

the sun and breeze.

The room is clean,

Minimalistic.

I only see the bed, the window,

And part of the empty floor.

Peace, beauty, serenity.

No care, no worries, 

nothing to steal your attention,

For I am the object of your attention,

The object of your affection.

…………………………………………………………………………………...

You Are My Everything

You are my cup of steaming coffee on a cold morning, while everyone's still sleeping.

You  are my cool sheets against my sun kissed skin after a long day in the sun.

You are my still, quietness in a snow covered night.

You are my lazy Sunday afternoon nap. 

You are my smell of roasted chestnuts as we walk through the streets of NYC. 

You are my warmth of a bonfire on a crisp, fall night.

You are my mountains peaking out of the clouds as we drive through Tennessee. 

You are my shooting star in a big TX sky night.

You are my first slice of pizza back in New Jersey.

You are my sunflower swaying by the distressed, country fence. 

You are my wonder in my children's eyes experiencing the magic of Christmas.

You are my Sheetz steak subs in our car, New Found Glory playing in the background, saying I love you to each other for the first time. 

You are my concert partner, when we are by far the oldest ones there. 

You are my stomach dropping each time our eyes make contact.

You are my drive to my wedding with my best friend, windows down, and the radio playing Going to the Chapel. 

You are my hand I hold as I go into labor and the eyes that stare intensely back into mine to help me get through each contraction.

You are my lullaby I sing as I rock my sweet baby to sleep.

You are my Titanic Roll in bed as we rush the kids to bed and take an hour to choose a movie.

You are my partner in wildly inappropriate innuendos.

You are my Jim.

You are my good book I just can't put down.

You are my  belly laugh where I can't catch my breath.

You are better than all my bests life could offer me.

You are my everything.

..………………………………………………………………………………..

You Are My Favorite Part

If life was a story
I'd read every page,
But I'd keep coming back to you.
You are my favorite part.
Your page would be wrinkled,
Some letters faded away.
I'd have the words memorized anyway.
I'd read them over and over
To get me through the day.
They'd bring me tears of joy
And bring butterflies to my stomach.
I'd read the words as I go to sleep,
Wondering what I ever did,
to deserve such a gift.
I'd smile as I thank God for the story,
but especially your page,
Because you are my favorite part.

Poetic Therapy - Read at Your Own Risk

I think for this next post, post number 4, I'll copy my short musings and poetry I titled "Poetic Therapy". Sorry this is all jumbled and not formatted right, this blog format is whacky.

One - Hindsight
The problem with living in the best times of your life, is you never know you're in them, till you've lived all the rest. 

Two - Truman Show
Ever hope the clouds will just open up and reveal the actual world you're supposed to be in like the Truman show?

Three - Gift

God gave me this gift
That I don't know how to open.

Four - Screaming
Writing is like screaming at the world
And hoping someone hears. 

Five - Smile

Why is it so hard to smile at a stranger?
Will they think I'm senile?
What is it that makes it weird?
It's like my soul is naked.
Turning my eyes away,
Covers me up.

Six - Cold
I like the cold because I can feel something. 

Seven - Lust
I want you to lust after the beauty of my soul.

Eight - Musings
You create memories, I create musings.
Both are pleasing to the soul.

Nine - Innerworld
My mind is a complicated innerworld where a different language is spoken

Ten - My Heart Lies To Me
My heart lies to me.

Yesterday you hurt me, so I cut you off. 
It was me without you. 
Today you made it right, so I let you back in. 
Now, I can't live without you.

Eleven - Accountable
I feel like I can't be held accountable for the person I was yesterday.

Twelve - My Heart Has Two Extremes
My heart has two extremes: you're nothing or you're everything. 

Thirteen - You Never Changed My Life
It's too easy for me act like you never changed my life. 

Fourteen - Erase You From My Heart
I'll erase you from my heart like you were never there. And keep on moving.

Fifteen - You Never Existed
I have the power of making me feel like you never existed.

Sixteen - Space

Sometimes a song can put me in a space I didn't know I needed to be.

Seventeen - Cry

I don't cry when others do and I wonder is it because I care too little or because I care too much?

Eighteen - Hiding

Somewhere out there is a person as dark and bright as me, but they're hiding too.

Nineteen - See Too Much

I'm cursed and blessed. I see what others don't. I see too much. 

Twenty - Sanity

Will you choose your sanity or me?

Twenty-one - Follow Me

Take my hand, follow me. I'll show you things you were never meant to see.

Twenty-two - God

I still wonder what God was thinking when he  created me. I feel like he was in a weird space that day. 

Twenty-three - World

I wish the world understood me as well as I understand myself.

Twenty-four - Remind Me

Sometimes a song is all I need to remind me why I love you.  

Twenty - Five - Those Times

Ya know when someone says something several times and you still can't hear them so you smile and say yeah?
I feel like my soul is made from those times. 

Twenty-six - Take Me Away

Something is calling my name.

I can feel it in my bones.

Peel these curtains back.

There must be more than this.

This can't be all there is.

Its like a bad joke.

I've been misplaced.

My insides are trying to crawl out.

I need to see

New people,

New places.

My heart is dead

And I need it pumping again.

Take me away

So I can feel again.

Twenty-seven - Come Alive

I want to test the limits
And do the unexpected.
Go against the norms
To make me come alive.

Twenty-eight - Dead

I'm dead

Until I can prove I'm alive.

Twenty-nine - Urge

I have the overwhelming urge to go to a place crowded with people

And just scream.

Thirty - Sunshine

I selfishly like the rain because others can't flaunt their sunshine.

Thirty-one - Acceptance

We had a need for acceptance.
You by others and me by you. 

Thirty-Two - You Are My Favorite Part

If life was a story
I'd read every page,
But I'd keep coming back to you.
You are my favorite part.

Thirty - Three - Save My Smiles

I save my smiles for special occasions,
The times that have earned it.

Thirty-four - Used To

I used to love to run.
Now, I only run to doctor's appointments.
I used to make him meals.
Now, I'm barely making it.

Thirty-five - Relating

Writing is like relating to nobody and everybody at the same time. 

Thirty-six - Message In a Bottle

Writing is like throwing a message in a bottle into the ocean and hoping the right person finds it. 

Thirty-seven - Lies By Omission

When I write, I tell the truth.
I say the secret things I can't say out loud.
No one can get hurt.
No one can judge.
But, I wonder,
Are the words I don't speak out loud
Lies by omission?

Thirty-eight - Not Allowed

Writing let's me say the things I'm not allowed to say. 

Thirty-Nine - Let Me Sleep

When I sleep,
you're in my dreams.
Don't wake me up
to a life you're not in.
Let me sleep.

Forty- Capture

Sometimes a song is like a camera,
It captures a moment in time,
Immortalizing it forever.

Forty-One- Apathy
You can't write without feeling,
even if that feeling is apathy. 

Forty-Two- Stands Still
Time moves on, but the grief stands still.

Forty-Three- Miss You
The fact that I still miss you, is a testament to how much I loved you. The fact that I have to keep it a secret, is a testament to how much I love him. 

Forty-Four- Music
Was the music really that good,
Or was it that moment?
A moment filled with possibility, the unknown, youth, freedom,
And a hint of Rebellion.
I wish I could take everything that moment was made up of,
Bottle it up,
And listen to every song through that filter.
Music today for me,
is just not the same,
But unfortunately, I don't think it's the artists,
But the listener. 

Forty-Five - Obsess
Let me obsess about it and get back to you. 

Forty-Six - Perpetrator and Victim
You're mad because I told you how you hurt me. You can't be the perpetrator and the victim for the same crime. 

Forty-Seven - Battle

Poetry is how I slay when I'm too wise to go to battle. 

Forty-Eight - Mask

Me when I sit down to write poetry-
"Hold my mask..."

Forty-Nine - Sorry

I'm sorry I made you feel that way, but I'm not sorry I said it.